These are mostly just thoughts I needed to write to get them out. A little trite and sappy. You have been warned.
Some days I wonder if I’m crazy. Can it be normal to have such unexpected mood swings; high to low, peaceful to tumultuous, excited and optimistic to resigned and depressive? It seems that my whole day can shift from one to the other without rhyme or reason. Upon reflection, I think maybe it is normal. I think, maybe, that I haven’t been normal, that up to now I’ve been blessed or cursed to have long periods of consistency in how I feel about the world. I guess I’ve been generally happy or generally unhappy and always for obvious, uncomplicated reasons. Am I growing up? Or is it that, now, I have greater aspirations, greater hopes and causes for hope, greater ambitions and therefore, greater fears related to all of them? Maybe both. I don’t think of myself as immature but I’m sure that, with some effort, you might find a person or two to make the case for a certain lack of development on my part. I’m certain that I’m ready to fly much higher than I have in the past. The cliff is behind me and beneath me is only air and a long fall. That’s a scary thing. My wings, to stretch the metaphor, are built of faith, hope and love (these three remain) but a voice always whispers “foolish”, “reckless”, and “unreasonable”. Whispers are insidious, particularly when they cater to the insecurities that tell me that I’m not up to the challenge and the arrogance that tells me that I need to be in control. To the insidious whisperer I say this, “Too late.” I’m off the cliff now. It’s fly or fall. These past few years I’ve been hit harder than I’ve ever been hit before. My preconceptions of life have been shattered and reconstructed. Staying safely on the cliff became a bigger risk than leaping off. I had nothing to left to lose. Now that I’m in the air I do have things to lose. The things I could lose, though, are the things that are holding me up, faith, hope, and love.
Truthfully, I mostly only hear the whispers when I’m tired these days. I’m stronger than I used to be so I get tired less than before. I’ll keep getting stronger, I’ll keep flying higher, and I’ll hear the whispers less than before.
Here’s a caveat for those who don’t know. I’ve been told I’m a pushover. I’ve been told that I let people take advantage of me. I’ve been told that I’m too easygoing and that I need to learn to stand up for myself. Those people have either never known or have forgotten what I’m like when my mind is set on a thing. It’s true that if something is unimportant to me I will give way. If I have no particular position on an issue I will give way. If the choice is between a minor sacrifice on my part and a sacrifice on another’s part I will usually choose to make the sacrifice myself (you can’t really volunteer a sacrifice for someone else). If, however, it is important; if I truly believe that I’m doing what’s right; if I’m standing for someone or something that needs standing for, I will never, ever, ever give way. I will never quit. I will never even slow down.